The best way to work or relate with someone is from a place of acceptance. The first part to acceptance is recognizing who they are, their capacities, views, and abilities. The second is to match your communication and expectations to this. Judgement, on the other hand, is when you want someone to be different than how they are. When we are judgmental of a person, we create dissonance or tension with that person.
The way to tell if you are coming from judgement or acceptance Is simply by how what you share or interact is received. When you are totally accepting of someone, you can match your message, both the tone and content, in a way that allows them to receive it. When you are communicating from judgment however, and wanting them to be different than they are, your message, tone and content will be geared towards someone who they are not. This will create struggle, frustration, and disappointment between you and the other person. This will then lead to the other person becoming defensive, pushing back, explaining, or making excuses.
As a leader, or even as a friend, you take 100% responsibility for the response you are getting from the other person. If there is struggle, it means that you were not truly in alignment with them, did not truly see them and accept them for who they are. This is the reason the message was unable to be received, valued, and appreciated.
The process of Inquiry Method™ is to ask questions to truly understand what a person wants, as well as their fears, desires, obstacles, and issues. Once you really understand and know a person, there may be something you can offer that is helpful and supportive. It is crucial to understand that without setting the foundation for acceptance, what you share will be received with judgement, defense, disappointment, concern, anger etc. If you are not able to be in Inquiry or acceptance, the process of your development requires you to look into what you are bringing to the situation. Taking responsibility for your outcomes will be one of the most powerful engines for your growth and development.