Transitions: Child to Adult—Mother to Person

A client asked me the other day, “As my children are beginning their lives, how do I take myself back and deal with the loss?” The first step is to recognize that you cannot get around the loss; the first thing you have to do is experience the loss, feel the sadness and mourn the changing reality.

This is something that women in particular need to be attentive to. They commonly ignore their lives and make children their whole focus (which is wonderful) but it is important to maintain a sense of personal identity with things, skills and activities that remind them of who they are. A lot of time when the kids go, many women feel like they are losing their whole identity. It’s not good for kids to be that central to the focus. It makes the children narcissistic and overly self-important little beings when they are the center of all that focus.

Personally, I see ‘mother’ as less of a doing role and more of a resource role, as somewhere the kids can go when they need it. In my view, when we make it such an involved role, it’s damaging to the children and it’s damaging to the mother as well because she does not really see her life as anything but being a servant or even subservient to children.

Honestly, I would compare this “loss and sorrow” to withdrawal from addiction. You are sad when the kids leave because you have not fully developed your own focus. It’s like you know something is no longer healthy for you and no longer part of your world and the only way to really go through recovery is to experience the loss of it. If you try to hang on to it, then you will not be satisfied. So, you really just have to take the loss and ask yourself what you want your life to be about now.

I recommend to every mother that in the first years they are everything to the child, and the ultimate practice of motherhood is to skillfully, gradually and artfully extract yourself over time. Let your children have more and more of their own lives so at the transition to their autonomy it is like there is no transition for them or for you.

Love,

Kyle

A Special Mountain Experience

There is an upcoming Mountain Experience in September, and for all of you that have had an interest in coming to the Mountain Experience, I truly recommend that you try to make it now. It is going to be a really special one, and it very may well be (at least for the time being) the last iteration of the Mountain Experience. Now I am sure that at some point there will be something similar that comes along on some level, but there is going to be a radical shift in Inquiry Method around how we deliver our teachings. And we have got some very exciting things up ahead.

But before that happens, I wanted to personally invite all of you to attend our last Mountain Experience. I hear people all the time that say, “You know, I’ve been thinking about coming to the Mountain Experience for 15 years or so,” or, “I really want this person I know to go the Mountain Experience.” So, if you have any of these feelings or thoughts this would be a great time to act on them, because pretty soon there will be entirely new experiences coming up.

I am very excited about what is on the horizon, and we are all very happy about it and I am sure you will all really enjoy what’s to come. However, there is also a sense of nostalgia and beauty surrounding the Mountain Experience and what has been. This last one is going to be really great, and there is going to be a lot of power and transformation taking place. So, I invite you personally to attend, and I invite you to let those people know who have always wanted to go to the Mountain Experience that the time is now! I hope to see you all there!

More details to come- keep your eye out for blogs and email updates from Inquiry Method!

Giving Self-Away Part II

As introduced last week, this idea of giving yourself away can have negative effects on all types of relationships. Marriages have some of this quality, where two people lean on each other and are seen as co-dependent, rather than as two whole individuals relating to each other. This also often happens between parents and children, and creates a situation where the children are kept small and weak and not taking responsibility for their own lives. This can often happen between employers and employees, when there are games and patters and family like patterns in a business.

As we mentioned last week, you can also give yourself away to materials or large corporations. Surprisingly, this can even happen between someone and their money. One way to know if you have given yourself away to your money is by noticing how you react to certain events. For example, if you put money and the stock market and it goes down, your sadness can reveal that you have tied some of your soul or spirit to your money. The same applies in a business. If you feel like you have to serve the business, or if it owes you something or that it is a burden, you can tell that you have given yourself away to the business.

This is one of the most complex subjects that I teach in the Mountain Experience. I help recognized that they have attached to another person, then help them detach. And I see that when they recognize and take themselves back, they usually feel immediate relief.

One time, I had a coaching session with a woman who had just gotten divorced. We could tell that the event had clearly taken a part of her, and were trying to figure out why. First, I asked her if I had given herself away to her husband. When she said that she hadn’t I then asked her if she had given herself to her marriage. The woman started to cry as she realized that she had given part of her spirit to the concept of marriage, and she released the grief and the loss, she saw that she could be whole in her life despite not being married.

One time I had a young man who was about 30 years old. He came to me and told me that, for the past ten years, he had not been able to keep a girlfriend or a job. He didn’t understand why, because ten years ago he was a successful man with a girlfriend and a great job. He said, “it’s like a part of me died.” I said “interesting,” and asked him to reflect about what may have occurred ten years ago. After reflecting he shared that his grandfather died 10 years ago. I explained that part of him died with his grandfather, and he suddenly started crying. He could clearly feel it in his emotional body that something had died that day. As I worked with him to take his spirit back, as his grandfather did not need that part of his spirit, and he had taken some of his grandfather’s spirit as well. This young man regained his spirit. About two weeks later, he sent an email sharing that he had a great girlfriend and a new job, and attributed it to regaining his life by getting his spirit back.

These stories reveal our capacity to put our spirit in something else. They show that we need our whole spirits to feel whole. It also shows that it is surprisingly easy to fix, since we can actually take ourselves back from other people.

It can be hard to completely stop giving yourself away. Society has told us that it is a loving and caring act, as well as many other things that make it seem like a positive thing . As such, I am simply asking you to try. When I walk through the process, try to give yourself away then take it back, and see what it feels like. Normally, when people do this test drive, people get this on an emotional level. They begin to see that giving yourself away does not create healthy context.

As you go through your process you may want to explore, “who have I given myself away to?” It may seem difficult, but it can actually be easy to determine. If you feel great when they are in a good place, and feel terrible when they are struggling, you will know they have a part of you. If you feel the need to make sure they’re okay, or believe that part of you would die if they died, a part of you is attached to them. You can also tell if you have an ongoing fear about their well-being, need to control them, or a sense of resentment. In each example, you see the person as non-separate from you, and therefore feel what they feel.

Once you learn more about this subject, you can help in two ways. First, you will clearly feel more whole once you have taken your spirit back. But there’s also a second part; if you have this knowledge and know the symptoms, you can give others their spirit back. If you feel them attaching to you, you can learn to detach from it. This is not done by saying something to another person: they can just feel it. That’s because giving yourself away is beyond the level of intellectual understanding. It is not something you can write down, but something you feel.

Give yourself a chance to reflect on all of this through inquiry. What or who have you given yourself away to? What is the price? What is the perceived benefit?

Taking yourself back can be a life-changing experience.

Connecting with Source

One of the things that I do to touch in with source is I close my eyes and get quiet. This is a wonderful thing because the head is so quick and wants to jump in. Notice that, especially in conversation,  the head wants to jump in and fill the space. We are conditioned to fill space with talk, eating, drinking, mobile phones and  other distractions.

This is why people meditate, so they can learn to listen and create space and pay attention to sensation and the feeling of connecting with their source. Once mastered, it becomes an invitation for what is wanted. The more that we cultivate our ability to touch source the more we have this rich knowledge of what we want.

See how it feels to close your eyes and be with pause to take time to connect with your source.  Practice making space during different moments of your day. Enjoy making decisions from source rather than your mind. Watch how it opens you up to finding your truth and finding what is truly wanted.

With love,

Kyle

Boundaries

As an adult I have the full right to create a boundary for myself.

Creating a boundary for self is safety.

Creating a boundary for others is control.

Tapping Into Your True Nature

I was teaching at the Mountain Experience today, and guiding participants to explore their true nature. There is some  confusion about true nature, and what one’s true nature is. In fact, there is a certain part of some people that believes that there is something wrong with their true nature. There is nothing wrong with who you are: that is either the mind, emotions or the ego trying to solidify you into something other than what you are.

The best way to discover, learn or understand who you are; is to reflect on the certain moments in your life when you were in a condition, place or situation when everything drops away. For some people it is in nature, at a certain place, with their children or a lover, or in a certain situation where they truly feel and tap into their true essence. Each one of us have had a moment where we can truly  relax and our true essence can come out. It  may come out as love, gratitude, appreciation, joy, happiness, lightness or ease. Think of a moment when you feel most yourself, when your truest self came forward; reflect on what came out of you when your real authentic radiated.

I want you to know that your true essence is always there, even when you are in struggle, full of emotion or in difficult situations. Underneath all that angst, the fundamental you is just like the you that comes out in the very best situations. This work we are doing in Inquiry Method is the work to shed everything that is not that, so your true self can naturally come more truly and authentically to the surface.

The Distance from Love

Recently, I have started doing yoga again. I have found an amazing weekend class with an exceptional teacher in LA. Just like the Mountain Experience, he creates an environment full of sanctuary and care with peaceful music and his calming presence. I was recently doing my practice when I started to become aware of a quality of love within myself and love for life. At the same time, I also recognized that I had a barrier from life; a separation that held me back from fully engaging with that strong love for life.

I started to become aware that the biggest aspect of this disengagement or distancing with life had to do with fear. I felt that I could not fully or would not fully engage with life because of my fear of losing love. I was scared that, if I truly let myself love life, that the inevitable loss of this love would be too much to bare. My whole life, I have been completely aware that loving is intimately tied with loss. In the past when I experienced love, I would always dread the ultimate loss that I knew would ensue. Furthermore, I started to realize that such a loss didn’t have to do just with life, but with everything: appreciation, connection with others and myself, self-acceptance, a particular experience, etc.

And, I became aware, and am now aware, of this idea that loving is also intimately tied with loss. As soon as we experience the loving, we also experience the ultimate loss, as we know that this experience is transitory and will end. Such a threat creates a hesitancy around and a distancing from loving and enjoying and engaging with the present. We as humans do not want to bear, fear or recognize the knowledge of imminent loss.

For the same reasons, some spiritual teachers encourage us not to focus on the high points of life. They explain that every peak experience will ultimately lead to an even larger loss. They say it is better to have a completely even relationship, and that the consistency will lead to you uncovering a deeper love. I have begun to understand that there is a continuity of love past death. That there is a quality of life and living that is separate from my personality and my identity. That is what these spiritual teachers are talking about. They are talking about participating in something that is more than just the “I”.

I speak about this when we talk about levels of participation. When we cross the “I/We barrier,” we start to participate in something larger than ourselves. There’s a certain quality of tapping into this universal field. The more that I identify with it, the less concerned I am about this transitory nature of love. More immature loving, which is below the “I/We barrier”, is beautiful, pleasant, exciting, and inspirational. However, the more we move into the “We,” the more we participate in and love the world.

We explore this in the Mountain Experience. We share an experience where we are not so self-conscious, where we have collective wins or losses, and where we are engaging in this larger field of love. The same thing happens when we create vulnerability during coaching sessions.

This awareness of a universal love or connection is what actually creates our loneliness. It creates awareness that there is a deeper love and experience out there that needs to be accessed. On some level, we all know it subconsciously. Despite our personal wins or successes, or our communion with friends, there is still nagging awareness that there is something more. I am starting to see that that awareness is actually positive, because it draws us forward into our consciousness.

It is innately human to believe there is something more in life. In all of us, it creates a delicate and potent suffering. However, it hopefully encourages us forward to a deeper experience of life. It is like a light in the distance that continuously pulls us towards what is possible. It engages, helps, supports, and develops a capacity and connection with what is possible and the fullness of this life experience.

We are all sharing that suffering, that love, and that path together.

The Power of Victimhood

At the Mountain Experience, I introduce the map of consciousness I call Levels of One Self.  On this map I introduce Level II: Exchange.  Among other aspects of being at this level of consciousness, Exchange is when we make conscious and unconscious agreements with each other in order to get what we want and need from each other.  This is the level at which we entangle with other people, where we feel controlled by others ups and downs, and where we resent others for not being better than they are.

There are so many implications to understanding the impact of imbalances (giving self away) at this level that it could be its own book.  However, I wanted to share one aspect that has become so evident to me recently.

The primary currency at the Exchange level is guilt; in Exchange, if I give myself to you I become a victim to you, I become a martyr to you without your participation.  Now, because I have given to you, you owe me.  The classic line that demonstrates this is: “After all I have done for you, the least you could do is…”.

When we are participating in life at this level we often collect and archive debts in our relationships, like little “victimhoods” all around us, and then look to collect them. You can create these debts without the other person’s permission or even knowing and then hold it against them.

On a larger scale, we can even collect “victimhoods” against life, society, God, businesses… many of us make a lifetime habit of this.  It interferes with relationships and the worst part is the effort and suffering it takes to continue to carry the burden of our victimhood.

If you are going to create contracts with people, it is better to make open contracts that are clearly understood and agreed to by both parties.  If you are going to give, give without expectations.  As for the rest of the world, do you really want to walk in life as a victim of anything, such as the economy, politics, traffic…?

Start noticing your victimhood, or your collection of debts and unfairness’s, and write them down and keep track of them (at least this way you won’t have to keep thinking about them as you have them in a safe place). See if you can become aware of the burden you experience by carrying them, see if you can recognize the damage they are doing to your relationships.  Over time keep adding to your list so you can track your habit, as you become more clear of areas where you may perceive yourself as victim, you may want to authentically cross some things off your list forgiving yourself and others.  Note what you feel when you cross something off your list. Over time, you may find that instead of growing, your list is shrinking.  Freeing yourself from victimhood is a powerful step in your evolution.

 

The Second Most Powerful Change in My Life

Okay, I know this sounds like a tease, because the title is called “the second most powerful change”. So, before we begin, I will tell you the first most powerful change in my life. The first is the change resulting from a combination of awareness and intent. The moment that I become aware that I would like to grow a specific aspect of my life, a great power is achieved when I combine that awareness with the intent to take action.

I realized that when I first become aware of a perceived shortcoming, there tends to be a phase of discouragement, hopelessness, or despair. This awareness can be viewed as a place where we can get stuck in the short, medium, or even long term. When we create intent, we create the capacity and ability to grow. With the use of intent and awareness, we can this a problem by developing a larger capacity of ourselves. This can mean finding more love, being more engaged and appreciative, or having more gratitude. Thus, this combination of intent and awareness is undoubtedly the most powerful change in my life.

Now, we will move on to the second most powerful change in my life (and it may be self-serving). The second: getting support (after I have found that combination of awareness and intent). This can be done in so many different ways, through so many different avenues. Personally, I get support in the form of coaching; in fact, I have between three and five coaches at a given time. I also just found an incredible yoga teacher, and he is becoming my aliveness coach. His coaching has put me in a profound state, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. No matter who you’re getting help from, finding someone to help you is incredibly powerful.

As we grow, help becomes more and more accessible. For example, when I started coaching, there were very few coaches out there. In fact, we thought we created personal or executive coaching. Now, there is a plethora of extremely powerful coaches available. That’s another thing that makes reaching out for help so great: the more people want it, the more accessible it becomes.

And this isn’t a self-promotion: it doesn’t matter if you choose me or someone else, though I do have specific skills to awaken people and help them make monumental shifts in their lives. No matter who, you can find a coach for anything: aliveness or consciousness, relationships, business, dating, physical fitness, or diet, among many others. There are an infinite variety of people that have experience and are available for you to utilize for your self-improvement.

If you look at my previous blog of dysfunctional independence, I express that we are a culture who think we have to do it all our selves. It is not what we used to do historically or aboriginally; we used to have teachers, guides, shamans, people that would teach us their great knowledge and skill.

I theorize that coaching works because of the unique and close connection between two people as wisdom and knowledge is being passed on. There is a transference, an energetic engagement that allows us to go to a much higher level than we can on our own. In addition, when we engage with a coach, there is a sense of accountability: we know that we will follow-through on what we said we were going to do.

The numerous benefits of coaching are immense, but minimally recognized. While we have made great progress, we are still only starting to understand all of its beneficial impacts. Whatever you want to develop within yourself, you simply need to first combine awareness and intent, and then find someone to help you. You do not have to stay in despair and frustration, and you can truly manifest and bring all you want into your life.

Wishing you great awareness, intent, and connection. May you have all that you wish for.

Death Bed Exercise

Whether it is within your business, relationship, family, or yourself, a wonderful exercise to discover your values (not just your immediate gratification, but your true values) is to imagine that you are lying on your deathbed and you have one hour left to live. In this visualization, imagine that you are lying there and with this sense of love and peace in your heart. When you reflect on your life in this scenario, whether in terms of business, family, a relationship, or yourself, what would have to be true in that area of your life for your heart to be filled with love and satisfaction?

Once you determine what would make you feel totally satisfied with that aspect of your life, write these details down carefully and clearly. For example, imagine your business: what kind of legacy would you have had to leave in this business to leave your heart filled with love and satisfaction as you lie dying? Imagine the same for your relationship with your spouse, your child, a friend, or even yourself: what would have to be true about this relationship for you to be totally satisfied and fulfilled on your deathbed?

It is a wonderful way to make this clear. Then use last week’s exercise on Planning, and use vision, strategy and tactics to create the intention to make this true. By doing this exercise, you may find that this feeling of fulfillment and contentment may occur way before your deathbed. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go to sleep at night with that feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction that you manifested something that was meaningful to you?

Go ahead, give it a try- what do you have to lose?

Love,

Kyle