Inworthy

Hey everyone! Olivia here. Kyle and I were discussing how the blogs could better serve this community and we came up with the idea of doing a vlog. The idea behind this new form is that the process of Inquiry Method is done is connection and collaboration so we thought we’d share a blog done in connection and conversation. There is also a transcription of this video below if you prefer to read your content.

TRANSCRIPTION

Olivia:

Hi everybody, we thought we would start this week talking about worth. Kyle in our Members’ Calls has talked to us about the concept of “inworthy” so I was going to have him start by explaining that a bit and then I have some personal questions about worth that have been coming up for me in my life that I’ll ask and we’ll see where it leads.

So, Kyle, in the Members’ Calls you were talking to us about the concept of “inworthy” and how you coined that term and I was hoping that you would share that with everybody.

Kyle:

I realized that we needed to have a different conversation around worth. People confuse worthiness with self-esteem.

Self-esteem is being proud of doing something or getting rewarded for doing something and you can’t ever get enough of that to make you feel worthy. We see that all over the place with people who feel like they have to do more, have more, and be more in order to be worthy.

Worthiness is our human birthright. Just the fact that you are here on the planet means that you’re worthy. You’re worthy of love, worthy of attention, you’re worthy of care, you’re worthy to receive love. None of those things are things that can be earned. And when we try to earn them they don’t nourish us in the way that we really need to be nourished.

A lot of this has to do with our capacity to receive from others or to receive from life. The best practice for that is gratitude or acknowledgment. That’s why gratitude practices are such a big thing. Because when we are really grateful it has a quality of worthiness to receive. When we talk about worthy as a question, “am I worthy?” it already sets up the conditions for not being worthy.

That’s why I like to elevate the understanding and say “inworthy”. When we can’t put a price on something we say it’s “invaluable”. This means precious and I can’t put a price on it. So, we are all “inworthy”. Meaning, our worthiness is priceless and extraordinary. When we start to understand that it really changes our relationship with life and receptivity.

It is one of the big challenges I see in relationship. We run into our limit to receive because we don’t believe we are worthy of it. We shut down what the other person or the community is offering and it really blocks the flow of energy and love in connection.

Olivia:

So, is that like the “upper limits” we were talking about last week? The idea that we hit a level of happiness, joy or abundance that we are uncomfortable with and then we have to reset ourselves and come back to our normal.

Kyle:

That’s right. A lot of times in relationship we are giving to get. So, if you are making a contract with me, “I’m going to give you more than you are worthy of, so now you owe me!” If I don’t view you as inworthy than my gifts to you come with a price and you may not want to incur that debt. I may want to retreat so that I’m not getting more than other people think I’m worth because otherwise, I’m going to owe them.

Olivia:

My process this week has been going back to my earliest memories and remembering that I used to have that innate worth. I didn’t used to think about if I deserved something or if I was good enough, or pretty enough, or nice enough. Now, I’m looking at my life today and realizing that somewhere along the way I lost that feeling. I’ve been saying, up until now, I really haven’t felt worthy. My big question to you would be, how do we rekindle or recalibrate ourselves to inworthiness?

Kyle:

As soon as you feel worthy then someone else owes it to you. The ego grabs onto it and I can get mad at the other person for not showing up for how worthy I am. That’s why there is a problem in even having that scale. That’s why gratitude is the way to receive something. If we’re hanging out and say, “I really appreciate being in your space with you,” it completes the loop. You don’t have to give me a housewarming gift or do something extra. Just the receptivity and the acknowledgment is enough.

Olivia:

How do we practice inworthiness outside of relationships, by ourselves? Is it still with gratitude?

Kyle:

Yes, you can do gratitudes with yourself. “What a beautiful life you’ve created” or “look at what you’ve brought into your life”. We were talking about the house plants here the other day and that was you expressing your gratitude for the environment you’re in or what you’re receiving. It’s not for me when you say, “wow I love your plants”. You are just putting your appreciation on what’s here for you.

Kyle and Olivia:

Thanks for joining us!

We want your comments and feedback. We are going to be doing live vlogs more in the future and would love to discuss topics that you are curious about. Please, email or contact us with your questions at info@inquirymethod.com

Best Way to Ask for a Raise

In Inquiry Management, as an employee, we gain and can develop the skill of managing up.

Managing up means that through the process of inquiry up and passing problems up, we are able to develop our relationship and secure success within an organization. An example of this, I call, “the best way to ask for a raise.”

The best way to ask for a raise is: At your next review, one-on-one, or even a meeting that you arrange, ask the person who you report up to, what you would have to do to be worth X% more or X dollars more to the company 6 months from now or a year from now. And then listen carefully. Different responses are possible.

One response would be that there is nothing you can do to be worth more in 6 months or a year. That is great info to know. You’ll know there is no upward mobility and you can start accepting it and be happy with it, or you can start looking for a new job.

A second answer may be that you can get a raise if you are able to develop x skill, to learn to do spreadsheets, increase sales by x%, be able to demonstrate a certain capacity or attitude, or something else. With any of these responses, you would want to ask more and make it measurable so that it is something you could both agree on. The beauty of this system is that once they agree, you’ve already made the agreement for the raise. So you don’t have to worry about asking for it, you can just focus on doing what you need to do to get it.

If you are in a company that employs Inquiry Management and Inquiry Leadership then you can check in on your progress in your weekly meetings or one on ones. If you aren’t, maybe you can just check in on a monthly or weekly basis about how you are doing towards your goal and how they feel about your work. That way you keep focusing on and honoring the agreement you’ve made.

From a management point of view, I recommend doing this with the people who report to you. Make these kinds of agreements. That way, with raises, you are actually able to continue to develop and guide the development of your workforce. Make sure that you are actually incentivizing activities and goals that support and amplify the goals and success of the organization.


Want more like this? Check out our ECourse and EBook on Inquiry Management.

The Key to Self-Acceptance

The more you uncover yourself, the more you can accept who you are. The act of uncovering yourself is like going through darkness or a shadowy area. On the other side of uncovering who you are is the opportunity to discover approval for yourself. As you identify the parts of yourself that you do not accept, you can find a way of gaining approval for them.

This is a part of what we do at the Freedom Experience; we look into all of those things that we have repressed and judged about ourselves, and we talk about how they are necessary parts of a whole human. For example, judging that we are lazy or slothful is also the part of us that allows us to rest. How much do you honor the part of you that needs rest and nurturing?  Or we may discover that the part of us that gets angry is also the part of ourselves that wants to take care of us.

Love,
Kyle

Confidence

There is an idea in our culture that we are supposed to be confident. We have put a high value in knowing, we like the security of knowing. The model for authority is the one who knows. Even in the classroom this is showcased; the child that has the most correct answers gets the most praise.

An inquiry approach to life is the exact opposite; it is the willingness to not know. When I step into a situation of not knowing, I engage like a scientist and an artist. I collect all the data and information which makes me confident and engage with truth, “what is”. Because I’m interested, I’m engaged.

Once I’ve collected all the data, and once we can agree on the data it’s typically quite easy to move forward and agree. You will find that true confidence comes from using inquiry and experiencing life directly and responding to what is true with truth. The first step to confidence is knowing myself, knowing myself is not fixed, it is of the now, we must be willing to inquire into truth and into myself right now and begin there.

Thanks to Kelly Keppler for suggesting this topic.