When is it about me?

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I’m always growing and putting myself into situations to grow. Within that context, I was at an event last weekend and was struck with a new awareness. I was thinking about all the ways I’m hard on myself and there was a way that I understood it differently: I realized that I tend to take on other people’s view of me.

So, if I’m talking to Peggy and she says something critical or something that I take personally, I would think, “oh there is something wrong with me.” And I’d take it on. But what I realized, is that if you take everyone you know and if they all feel differently about you, what they each feel about you is not about you, it’s about them. If some people love you and some people hate you, the loving and the hating is about them.

Now, if everyone loves you and everyone hates you, you can take that personally. If all the people you know sit you down in an intervention and they say “Hey, I think you are making a big mistake here,” you should listen to that. If you are getting a universal reflection or broad reflection, or if you keep getting into the same relationships over and over again, or if you keep responding over and over again in the same way, that’s about you. But, if it’s isolated, if there is only one person who doesn’t like you, that’s not about you, that’s about them. And if there is only one person who loves you, that’s not about you either, that’s about them. That’s about their capacity to love.

So, the new awareness is, that an outlier’s views of you has to do with those individual people, not you. If you notice trends and universalities about how people view you, that you should take personally, these are all amazing things to bring to online group calls, coaching calls or events so we can coach about them.

That’s my thought for this week and that’s the blog. I hope you enjoyed it.

Love,
Kyle


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Hosting during the Holidays

OK, here is my take on traditional holiday themes. You can look back at some of my other holiday blogs, but in general, there are two things that create most of the stress around holidays:

  1. Dealing with family
  2. Being a host

We cover dealing with family in past blogs, so let’s talk about being a host.

Most people think being a host is about making people happy. This is problematic because not everyone wants to be happy. People who want to be happy will be. People who don’t want to be happy, won’t be. So, we have to let that go.

Being a host means two things. It means offering and sharing things that you like with others and sharing your graciousness and goodwill.

The game about hosting is not about how other people respond but how you show up. How you show up in regards to what kind of host you want to be. My preference is to be a grounded, loving, generous, caring host who offers an environment, music, food, and gifts that I value and that mean something to me as a host. I imagine bringing people into a world where they can relax, where they can feel my relaxation and presence. I imagine creating an experience where they feel more than being served; they feel my ability to connect with them, and they feel an environment of safety and non-judgment. Why do I like doing this? Not necessarily because of the impact and result I get with others, but because I enjoy being in the role of and playing the part of Kyle as host. That’s where I get my holiday enjoyment. What kind of host do you want to be?


Here are some past holiday blogs you might enjoy looking back at: Holidays, Holidays II, What do you want for Christmas?, Happy New Year

3 States

It has been so helpful to recognize I have a choice every moment.

Not about what is happening right now, but about my relationship to it.

My 3 choices are:

  1. Resistance
  2. Acceptance
  3. Approval

I choose.

If I resist, I create struggle in me and around me.

In acceptance, I become neutral, but neutrality is a form of death.

In approval, I decide to lean in to what is happening.

I get behind it.

This is when the magic happens.

 

Approval is a powerful life practice available to you every moment.

I use the word practice to indicate it takes practice and you are never done getting better at it.

Try it right now, take something you are resisting either inside or outside you and get in approval of it, get behind it, get into it and see what happens.  Let me know.

People Are Good

I am traveling today and I like to remember that people are good.  I notice that in general that I tend to resent the person in the seat next to me on the airplane as an imposition and nuisance, usually making some judgments about them in some way or another.  Without connection people are just objects in the field.  However, now I make a practice of just saying “hi.” I rarely engage in long conversations, but I say hi and lightly connect.  Inevitably this little connection humanizes them and I see the human behind the physical object. I can no longer resent them or make judgments about them because they are human beings now.  We can do this all day long, turn people into human beings.  It is amazing what a difference it can make.

Love,

Kyle

The Big 5 of a Better Life

Awareness
Is simply noticing things, it is what we choose to bring our attention and
consciousness to. You have the power to choose what you become aware of
and what you give your attention to. This is one of your most powerful allies
in how you experience, evolve and construct your life.

Perspective
The filters through which our consciousness sees the world, how you are
interpreting what you are aware of. Perspective limits and can modify your
awareness. Getting new, more expansive perspectives will powerfully
upgrade what you can do with your awareness and how you are able to
participate in your life.

Consciousness
Is the active part of ourselves, what we are present to, what we call agency;
our power to choose and act in alignment with our most authentic self.
Conscious behavior is in contrast to unconscious behavior. As we grow our
consciousness, conscious behavior takes over more of our lives and
unconscious behaviors are diminished, we feel more empowered and alive.

Feedback
Is information that comes in from the outside as a result of our conscious and
unconscious behaviors. By bringing awareness to the feedback we are
receiving we get a mirror to the impact of our behavior and have the
opportunity to change conscious behavior, grow and change our perspective,
and possibly bring unconscious behavior to light.

Inquiry
Is a tool for working with feedback and exploring our own awareness,
perspective, and consciousness. It is also a way to explore relationships and
interactions with others without interference from our own perspective.
Inquiry can be a method for supporting others to become aware of their own
unconscious behaviors, beliefs, and perspectives. Inquiry brings light into
unexplored places.