Hi everybody, we thought we would start this week talking about worth. Kyle in our Members’ Calls has talked to us about the concept of “inworthy” so I was going to have him start by explaining that a bit and then I have some personal questions about worth that have been coming up for me in my life that I’ll ask and we’ll see where it leads.
So, Kyle, in the Members’ Calls you were talking to us about the concept of “inworthy” and how you coined that term and I was hoping that you would share that with everybody.
I realized that we needed to have a different conversation around worth. People confuse worthiness with self-esteem.
Self-esteem is being proud of doing something or getting rewarded for doing something and you can’t ever get enough of that to make you feel worthy. We see that all over the place with people who feel like they have to do more, have more, and be more in order to be worthy.
Worthiness is our human birthright. Just the fact that you are here on the planet means that you’re worthy. You’re worthy of love, worthy of attention, you’re worthy of care, you’re worthy to receive love. None of those things are things that can be earned. And when we try to earn them they don’t nourish us in the way that we really need to be nourished.
A lot of this has to do with our capacity to receive from others or to receive from life. The best practice for that is gratitude or acknowledgment. That’s why gratitude practices are such a big thing. Because when we are really grateful it has a quality of worthiness to receive. When we talk about worthy as a question, “am I worthy?” it already sets up the conditions for not being worthy.
That’s why I like to elevate the understanding and say “inworthy”. When we can’t put a price on something we say it’s “invaluable”. This means precious and I can’t put a price on it. So, we are all “inworthy”. Meaning, our worthiness is priceless and extraordinary. When we start to understand that it really changes our relationship with life and receptivity.
It is one of the big challenges I see in relationship. We run into our limit to receive because we don’t believe we are worthy of it. We shut down what the other person or the community is offering and it really blocks the flow of energy and love in connection.
So, is that like the “upper limits” we were talking about last week? The idea that we hit a level of happiness, joy or abundance that we are uncomfortable with and then we have to reset ourselves and come back to our normal.
That’s right. A lot of times in relationship we are giving to get. So, if you are making a contract with me, “I’m going to give you more than you are worthy of, so now you owe me!” If I don’t view you as inworthy than my gifts to you come with a price and you may not want to incur that debt. I may want to retreat so that I’m not getting more than other people think I’m worth because otherwise, I’m going to owe them.
My process this week has been going back to my earliest memories and remembering that I used to have that innate worth. I didn’t used to think about if I deserved something or if I was good enough, or pretty enough, or nice enough. Now, I’m looking at my life today and realizing that somewhere along the way I lost that feeling. I’ve been saying, up until now, I really haven’t felt worthy. My big question to you would be, how do we rekindle or recalibrate ourselves to inworthiness?
As soon as you feel worthy then someone else owes it to you. The ego grabs onto it and I can get mad at the other person for not showing up for how worthy I am. That’s why there is a problem in even having that scale. That’s why gratitude is the way to receive something. If we’re hanging out and say, “I really appreciate being in your space with you,” it completes the loop. You don’t have to give me a housewarming gift or do something extra. Just the receptivity and the acknowledgment is enough.
How do we practice inworthiness outside of relationships, by ourselves? Is it still with gratitude?
Yes, you can do gratitudes with yourself. “What a beautiful life you’ve created” or “look at what you’ve brought into your life”. We were talking about the house plants here the other day and that was you expressing your gratitude for the environment you’re in or what you’re receiving. It’s not for me when you say, “wow I love your plants”. You are just putting your appreciation on what’s here for you.
Kyle and Olivia:
Thanks for joining us!
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I recommend a life based on desire. But, how do we know what we want? How do we get to know ourselves?
To get to know your desires, you tap into your source. Get quiet, wait, and see what you desire. Don’t put your attention on your mind or your emotions. Just wait. And, some desire will pop up.
Try it now, ask yourself: What’s one thing you’d like to get out of today?
It’s not a thought, not a should, not a reaction to the emotional body. It comes from your source. Get quiet, and wait for a desire to pop up. This is the best way to tap into who you are.
You might be thinking that you don’t know. But, you can actually tap into what you desire. Just be patient, you can always find a desire somehow/someway.
Acknowledging desire goes against everything we’ve been taught, particularly for the feminine. But, my recommendation is to honor and recognize your desires. It’s an unfolding and opening process to acknowledge them.
Here is a great exercise for acknowledging desires:
Sit down and start writing them down. I desire… I desire… I desire… Or, have a friend do desire pulling with you. Either way, do it for 20 full minutes. Have them ask “What do you desire?” over and over and each time just say the first thing that pops into your head. Get really free with it, like nobody is watching or listening. Don’t monitor it.
It could be a donut or a coffee, but the farther you get into the feel of it, the more deeper things will come up. And, you’ll feel yourself connecting with your deeper desires.
For instance, you can play with material outcomes. I desire a new outfit. I desire a new car. I’d like a million dollars.
But, in Inquiry Method, I’d also ask follow-up questions about what it would mean to you or what it would feel like. That’s where you’ll start to feel the connection to your desires.
And then you can start to recognize and honor them – that you want to feel them, that you want to experience them.
On the other hand, you may find yourself starting to think you can’t have what you desire. That’s ok, too. Once it’s out there, then you can start to work with it. And, it’s amazing, the more you start to bring them out, the more they start happening.
Your desire starts to be a compass point. And as you stay present with it, the desires start growing around you. Just by putting your attention on it.
It starts to get you out of the cage. It’s not necessarily to the end of dissatisfaction, but more to a recognition of what is really true for you – a recognition of what you’d like to feel, or what experience you’d like to have.
Listen to the audio here, or scroll down to read the blog.
This is the Valentines day edition of the blog. The topic today is a topic called I want to be loved. A lot of us feel that and have probably said that phrase: “I want to be loved.” It’s kind of fun to take it apart and examine that thought and that phrase and that belief. The first thing you can notice in the statement: “I want to be loved” is that it is set in the past tense. There is this quality (and I talk about it at the Matrix) there is this void – something that we haven’t received. When we put it in the past, we’re basically saying I want to go back in the past and receive the love that I haven’t received; which makes a lot of sense because there’s a certain aspect or way in which we recognize that we would feel differently about ourselves, we might feel differently about life if we had received love in a different way or a specific way or differently at some point in our life. There is this yearning to go back and repair that wounded one. If we can let go of that, if we can heal that past aspect, we can actually drop the past tense to that. If we drop the past tense, we say “I want love” instead of “I want to be loved.” Meaning, I want to receive love or even I want to receive love in the future. As soon as I say I want anything, I’m emphasizing the fact that I don’t have it. One of the definitions of the word “want” is lack of…, as soon as you are wanting, you’re not having. You can’t want and have at the same time. So, when you say “I want love”, you’re saying you don’t have love. If we drop that aspect of lacking, it comes down to “I love” and that is beautiful. In fact, it’s the most powerful approach to love there is. In fact, if somebody else is loving me I can feel or I can have somebody express their love to me and not feel the love. I’m sure we have all had that experience where somebody proclaims their love for us, but we don’t feel anything from it. Just having somebody else loving us actually never fixes the thing. We can have all sorts of people loving us and still feel the lack of love or still be wanting love. So, really, the only way to experience love isn’t to receive it, but to be it or express it: “I love.” Loving is the best feeling in the universe and it’s wonderful to seek out and find different opportunities for love. It’s why I love to find a great book. “I love this book” that’s the feeling of love. “I love this movie” or “I love this thing,” or “I love this team.” We all love to find things to love because it’s the best feeling. It’s why we yearn for the right person. It’s why children are so wonderful is just they all give us an opportunity to love, so I recommend healing up any past lack of love, I recommend giving up the idea that you lack love and spend the rest of your life looking for things and people to love, the more the merrier! Happy Valentine’s Day.
This is the Valentines day edition of the blog.
The topic today is a topic called I want to be loved. A lot of us feel that and have probably said that phrase: “I want to be loved.” It’s kind of fun to take it apart and examine that thought and that phrase and that belief.
The first thing you can notice in the statement: “I want to be loved” is that it is set in the past tense. There is this quality (and I talk about it at the Matrix) there is this void – something that we haven’t received. When we put it in the past, we’re basically saying I want to go back in the past and receive the love that I haven’t received; which makes a lot of sense because there’s a certain aspect or way in which we recognize that we would feel differently about ourselves, we might feel differently about life if we had received love in a different way or a specific way or differently at some point in our life. There is this yearning to go back and repair that wounded one.
If we can let go of that, if we can heal that past aspect, we can actually drop the past tense to that. If we drop the past tense, we say “I want love” instead of “I want to be loved.” Meaning, I want to receive love or even I want to receive love in the future. As soon as I say I want anything, I’m emphasizing the fact that I don’t have it. One of the definitions of the word “want” is lack of…, as soon as you are wanting, you’re not having. You can’t want and have at the same time. So, when you say “I want love”, you’re saying you don’t have love.
If we drop that aspect of lacking, it comes down to “I love” and that is beautiful. In fact, it’s the most powerful approach to love there is.
In fact, if somebody else is loving me I can feel or I can have somebody express their love to me and not feel the love. I’m sure we have all had that experience where somebody proclaims their love for us, but we don’t feel anything from it. Just having somebody else loving us actually never fixes the thing. We can have all sorts of people loving us and still feel the lack of love or still be wanting love. So, really, the only way to experience love isn’t to receive it, but to be it or express it: “I love.”
Loving is the best feeling in the universe and it’s wonderful to seek out and find different opportunities for love. It’s why I love to find a great book. “I love this book” that’s the feeling of love. “I love this movie” or “I love this thing,” or “I love this team.” We all love to find things to love because it’s the best feeling. It’s why we yearn for the right person. It’s why children are so wonderful is just they all give us an opportunity to love, so I recommend healing up any past lack of love, I recommend giving up the idea that you lack love and spend the rest of your life looking for things and people to love, the more the merrier!
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Part of the process of Inquiry Method, and a big part of Life at Altitude, is lightening up. It’s hard to stay at altitude when we are heavy. For instance, at the Mountain Experience, we find feelings and experiences that we’ve accumulated that are heavy and we let them go, this letting go makes us naturally more buoyant.
We are naturally buoyant. It’s not that we have to climb to altitude; it’s that as we start to throw the rocks out of our canoe, we get more and more buoyant and float up. We naturally want to rise to altitude when we have cleaned out the heaviness.
Heaviness comes in many forms. Internal conditions can create heaviness. There is emotional pain, hurt, anger, and other emotions from the past that create heaviness in our lives. There are also thoughts, beliefs, and ideas that we hold onto that create heaviness in our lives. Voids can create heaviness, as well as drive. As we let go of these, we become more buoyant.
External elements can also create heaviness. Some external elements that we can lighten up on are how we use our time and how we use our money. Review these blogs to learn how to clean those things up. Also review giving yourself away
It is also important to identify what creates heaviness in our physical world. For instance, a lack of a diet and exercise not only metaphorically creates heaviness but also physically creates it.
Then there is our material environment, material clutter in our lives weighs us down with heaviness:
I was working at the house of a friend the other day helping her clean out her house. As I was teaching her to do it, I recommended a practice. I said, “For every item you put your attention on, ask yourself how you feel when you hold it or when you look at it. Do you feel lighter or heavier with this in your life? Everything that has a net value below zero, creates heaviness or a drag, goes out. Everything that inspires, lightens you and raises you up, stays.” It’s a beautiful practice, one I use often.
I like to have all my possessions be things that I love, I purge anything that doesn’t create lightness in my life, anything that isn’t energy positive. I often clean my drawers, my closets, my kitchen, my refrigerator. As I clean, I feel what feels light and what feels heavy, and eliminate everything that burdens my energy. Really make an assessment of your own material life. From time to time take a different area of your life and use the light/heavy test to determine what is burdening your aliveness.
Buoyancy and altitude are created as you bring better attention to yourself and clean up all the heaviness in your life, let’s all get going and float up together, it feels so good.
Much of the suffering I see in people is around the topic self worth. What is the value of a person? How do you compare the relative value of people? The way I see it is that the absolute value of a person = 1. It could be any number but I chose 1. In that case the value of every person = 1. So, the relative comparative value between people is always 1:1. I am having fun with my simple math skills but it came home to me so profoundly this weekend at The Mountain Experience, through Inquiry Method, in a context of sanctuary, that every person has a profoundly unique and paradoxically equal value. Amazing!
Below all the patterns, habits, behaviors, pain, ego, voids, drive…, humans are beautiful and good. We are all uniquely, profoundly and equally worthy of an amazing life. This is not to say that all participation and contributions are equal and the same, but fundamentally we are equally worthy. It is an amazing gift of this work to be able to see clearly through all my layers of judgement and also be able to see through all the coverings and protection of another person to the unique, beautiful being inside. I feel so fortunate to have had this experience, to deepen my understanding of this life changing principle and to witness others having this awakening- such a supreme gift of The Mountain Experience.
Ready to be humbled
If you wish to grow
The capacity for love
And a heart that will be
Of service to life
Ready to be humbled
If you wish to have
Friends who are true
And see you for who you are
Ready to be humbled
If you wish to learn
More than you know
Ready to be humbled
If you wish to know truth
Ready to be humbled
Poem by Kyle Mercer
As introduced last week, this idea of giving yourself away can have negative effects on all types of relationships. Marriages have some of this quality, where two people lean on each other and are seen as co-dependent, rather than as two whole individuals relating to each other. This also often happens between parents and children, and creates a situation where the children are kept small and weak and not taking responsibility for their own lives. This can often happen between employers and employees, when there are games and patters and family like patterns in a business.
As we mentioned last week, you can also give yourself away to materials or large corporations. Surprisingly, this can even happen between someone and their money. One way to know if you have given yourself away to your money is by noticing how you react to certain events. For example, if you put money and the stock market and it goes down, your sadness can reveal that you have tied some of your soul or spirit to your money. The same applies in a business. If you feel like you have to serve the business, or if it owes you something or that it is a burden, you can tell that you have given yourself away to the business.
This is one of the most complex subjects that I teach in the Mountain Experience. I help recognized that they have attached to another person, then help them detach. And I see that when they recognize and take themselves back, they usually feel immediate relief.
One time, I had a coaching session with a woman who had just gotten divorced. We could tell that the event had clearly taken a part of her, and were trying to figure out why. First, I asked her if I had given herself away to her husband. When she said that she hadn’t I then asked her if she had given herself to her marriage. The woman started to cry as she realized that she had given part of her spirit to the concept of marriage, and she released the grief and the loss, she saw that she could be whole in her life despite not being married.
One time I had a young man who was about 30 years old. He came to me and told me that, for the past ten years, he had not been able to keep a girlfriend or a job. He didn’t understand why, because ten years ago he was a successful man with a girlfriend and a great job. He said, “it’s like a part of me died.” I said “interesting,” and asked him to reflect about what may have occurred ten years ago. After reflecting he shared that his grandfather died 10 years ago. I explained that part of him died with his grandfather, and he suddenly started crying. He could clearly feel it in his emotional body that something had died that day. As I worked with him to take his spirit back, as his grandfather did not need that part of his spirit, and he had taken some of his grandfather’s spirit as well. This young man regained his spirit. About two weeks later, he sent an email sharing that he had a great girlfriend and a new job, and attributed it to regaining his life by getting his spirit back.
These stories reveal our capacity to put our spirit in something else. They show that we need our whole spirits to feel whole. It also shows that it is surprisingly easy to fix, since we can actually take ourselves back from other people.
It can be hard to completely stop giving yourself away. Society has told us that it is a loving and caring act, as well as many other things that make it seem like a positive thing . As such, I am simply asking you to try. When I walk through the process, try to give yourself away then take it back, and see what it feels like. Normally, when people do this test drive, people get this on an emotional level. They begin to see that giving yourself away does not create healthy context.
As you go through your process you may want to explore, “who have I given myself away to?” It may seem difficult, but it can actually be easy to determine. If you feel great when they are in a good place, and feel terrible when they are struggling, you will know they have a part of you. If you feel the need to make sure they’re okay, or believe that part of you would die if they died, a part of you is attached to them. You can also tell if you have an ongoing fear about their well-being, need to control them, or a sense of resentment. In each example, you see the person as non-separate from you, and therefore feel what they feel.
Once you learn more about this subject, you can help in two ways. First, you will clearly feel more whole once you have taken your spirit back. But there’s also a second part; if you have this knowledge and know the symptoms, you can give others their spirit back. If you feel them attaching to you, you can learn to detach from it. This is not done by saying something to another person: they can just feel it. That’s because giving yourself away is beyond the level of intellectual understanding. It is not something you can write down, but something you feel.
Give yourself a chance to reflect on all of this through inquiry. What or who have you given yourself away to? What is the price? What is the perceived benefit?
Taking yourself back can be a life-changing experience.
At the Mountain Experience, I introduce the map of consciousness I call Levels of One Self. On this map I introduce Level II: Exchange. Among other aspects of being at this level of consciousness, Exchange is when we make conscious and unconscious agreements with each other in order to get what we want and need from each other. This is the level at which we entangle with other people, where we feel controlled by others ups and downs, and where we resent others for not being better than they are.
There are so many implications to understanding the impact of imbalances (giving self away) at this level that it could be its own book. However, I wanted to share one aspect that has become so evident to me recently.
The primary currency at the Exchange level is guilt; in Exchange, if I give myself to you I become a victim to you, I become a martyr to you without your participation. Now, because I have given to you, you owe me. The classic line that demonstrates this is: “After all I have done for you, the least you could do is…”.
When we are participating in life at this level we often collect and archive debts in our relationships, like little “victimhoods” all around us, and then look to collect them. You can create these debts without the other person’s permission or even knowing and then hold it against them.
On a larger scale, we can even collect “victimhoods” against life, society, God, businesses… many of us make a lifetime habit of this. It interferes with relationships and the worst part is the effort and suffering it takes to continue to carry the burden of our victimhood.
If you are going to create contracts with people, it is better to make open contracts that are clearly understood and agreed to by both parties. If you are going to give, give without expectations. As for the rest of the world, do you really want to walk in life as a victim of anything, such as the economy, politics, traffic…?
Start noticing your victimhood, or your collection of debts and unfairness’s, and write them down and keep track of them (at least this way you won’t have to keep thinking about them as you have them in a safe place). See if you can become aware of the burden you experience by carrying them, see if you can recognize the damage they are doing to your relationships. Over time keep adding to your list so you can track your habit, as you become more clear of areas where you may perceive yourself as victim, you may want to authentically cross some things off your list forgiving yourself and others. Note what you feel when you cross something off your list. Over time, you may find that instead of growing, your list is shrinking. Freeing yourself from victimhood is a powerful step in your evolution.
I recently started watching a little TV again, and discovered sitcoms. It has been interesting to watch that there is one basic premise that makes a sitcom work. Changing one dynamic of the sitcom would make it fall apart. Every piece of humor on a sitcom comes back to lack of communication; typically, it has to do with somebody not telling somebody else the truth, hiding, lying, or being unauthentic. A lot of that laughter is recognition of the ridiculousness of life. The reason we laugh is because we can recognize the feeling or difficulty ourselves.
I suspect if you look into most of the drama and difficulty in your life that it is created by the same dynamic. Where is the drama in your life? What communication would have helped to solve it? If you do not want your life to be a sitcom, what do you want it to be like? What kind of communication would support that?